Squibs: Off the Beat in 2004

By Renee Lapham Collins, Associate Editor
In this hectic, sound-bite-driven world of ours, some of the most interesting and entertaining headlines never make the front page, often escaping notice by readers conditioned to a quick perusal of the A-section.
Last week, for example, I happened upon some offbeat reports filed by the Associated Press. Here is a sampling of the strange, mystifying, “we didn’t make this up” news around the world.
Dog Eat Dog
According to a report filed by the AP, Princess Anne, daughter of Queen Elizabeth, will be sending her bull terrier Florence to an animal psychologist “to avoid having it euthanized after it attacked a royal maid and fatally mauled one of the Queen’s beloved corgis.”
Florence will be examined by psychologist Roger Mugford, who indicated the attacks may have been related to an “underlying medical factor.
“We’re not talking about an inherently aggressive or dangerous dog,” Mugford said. “I am sure it is just a dog who is feeling a bit out of sorts about something…and is feeling a bit cranky.”
When I’m feeling out of sorts, I always take a bite out of someone’s leg. It can be quite soothing.
–Hannibal Lechter
Chomping at the bit
From London, we travel to Bangkok where, on Jan. 6, an 80-year-old elephant named Morakot living in captivity in Thailand, had fallen into poor health and was suffering from malnutrition because she had lost her fourth set of teeth.
Elephants, we learn, have four sets of natural teeth throughout their lifetimes. Once they lose their last molar, they die of starvation.
Enter Dr. Somsak Jitniyom, a local veterinarian, who devised a set of dentures for the aging pachyderm and fitted them in her mouth while she was under sedation.
The false teeth were described as a U-shaped denture six inches wide and six inches long made from stainless steel, silicone, and plastic.
He reportedly said that, while he wasn’t sure whether anyone else had ever made dentures for an elephant, he knew that animal dentists had fitted elephants with “false” tusks.
It’s not clear whether the good doctor used an elephant-strength denture adhesive or simply relied on tried and true multipurpose duct tape.
In the nude
A 44-year-old British citizen reportedly was convicted of breaching the peace and sentenced to spend three months in jail following an attempt to walk the length of Britain in the buff to promote public nudity. He received credit for one month served.
The charges stem from a Nov. 29 incident in which the man was strolling through the village of Evanton in the Scottish Highlands in his birthday suit, accessorized with a pair of socks and a pair of boots. He carried a knapsack.
The gentleman, say reports, had been repeatedly arrested since last June, when he struck out from Land’s End in southwest England on his 847-mile journey to John O’Groats in Scotland’s far north. He sought to promote “public nudity” through his pilgrimage.
The man was arrested after a village resident expressed concern about the affect the sight of a naked man would have on women and children.
The hiker argued in court that he had been exercising his right to free expression, stating, “There is no law saying ‘Thou shalt not go naked,’” he said.
Whether the walker was forced to don orange coveralls during his court appearance remains unknown.
In the Garden
In Hudson, Fla., a man named Bill Martin has purchased 240 acres of property outside of Tampa to develop a Christian-themed nudist community, which he plans to call “Natura,” according to wire reports.
“The Bible very clearly states that when Adam and Eve were in right with God, they were naked,” the executive director of the project, David Blood, was quoted as saying.
The property, which Martin purchased for some $1.6 million, is an old nudist colony that has fallen into disrepair. According to reports, Martin hopes to have it cleaned up enough by April so that he can host a naturist marriage retreat and nude baptism ceremony.

Busted
A suspect who reportedly robbed a 7-11 store at gunpoint was caught by police after he stupidly left his jail identification card at the scene of the crime.
According to deputies in the Kern County, Calif. sheriff’s office, the robber covered his face with a bandana, and donned a hat and gloves. After allegedly robbing the store, he ran into a nearby backyard and tossed the incriminating clothes, the handgun, and the jacket he had been wearing—with his county jail property identification card in the pocket.
Deputies recognized the suspect from the ID, went to his house, and reportedly found him hiding in the attic. He apparently had attempted to change his appearance by shaving his head and leaving the remains in the kitchen waste can.

Originally published in The Saline Reporter, Jan. 15, 2004